Breaking up with your parts won't work
My scientist friend shared she was feeling inadequate after completing her PhD because she didn’t pursue publication of her research, in essence she was being bullied by a cluster of parts within her system. These parts who remind her of inadequacies encompass the bully, critic, failure, less than, angry, depressed and fighter parts. They often polarize with sympathy and codependent parts but today they were solely stealing her joy of accomplishment to make her believe she was a fraud.
Now in Christian circles we have streams of inner healing that weigh in heavy on breaking agreement with vows and curses which then allows an affirmation to replace it. I get the premise but I have studied 13 different ministry approaches and that one is my least favorite, and here’s why. A spirit of religion will always show its hand as it is smacking you in the face for attention, as if to say, “hey heathen, my way is right”. That classic demand on fixing yourself quickly to align with scripture, ignores the grace God extends to argue your perception of the scripture. He invites us to talk about why we aren't convinced of His promises, provision or purpose for our lives. Interpretation of who He says He is, is relative to any individual's past pain that hinders him in present day. I find any solution that denies the reason why a behavior happens, isn’t going to bring lasting effects or peace. To me it is like saying to someone, “stop doing that because it bothers me”, instead of seeking understanding about why that person behaves as he does. I don’t keep company like that anymore. Once I started realizing that my emotions surface because they represent parts of an internal family system within my spirit, I stopped appeasing formula based ministries that coined a mantra for healing. Healing is deeply personal, not a one size fits all remedy. There are no 5-step programs or specific words that will be the catch all for every single person because our brains were created to be complex on purpose. God has designed our brains to perceive pain both emotionally and physically, as threats of danger, in hopes we will bring the issue to Him through a conversation and un-pack the trouble. IFS Therapy is an opportunity to learn about the positive intention behind the parts of us we judge for behaving badly.
Once we understand that a part has good intentions but is responding out of pain from the past, we offer it a chance to release the burden it has been carrying through history on our behalf. Understanding that piece is pivotal to true transformation because some parts started protecting us as early as in the womb. Without acknowledgment of it, the part will keep playing out its role within our system and often acts out worse when we deny it, or try to get rid of it because it longs to be understood. Our parts each have a personality that hold toxic thoughts which manifest emotionally through us and then cause us to judge it for "causing" our reactions. If we tell them to basically “shut-up” by breaking agreement with them and covering it up with a impersonal platitude, that is like the religious slap in the face. Each emotion needs to be addressed through empathy to avoid it feeling excommunicated or dismissed. It's like me extending empathy to my client as she shares about all the different parts that make her believe she is a fraud. I understand that emotions are not cooperative and can flood her thoughts unless she asks them to "give her space" so we can hear from them individually. We determine which part of her is the loudest or most apparent when she feels like a fraud, and then we spend time talking with that part personally. If she pushed past that part's need to be heard, and judged it negatively, yet proclaimed positivity in exchange, the part would only enforce its role toward believing she was a fraud. She and I, like all of humanity, need to foundationally empathize with inner conflict from a trust in SELF if true change is possible deep within ourselves. Change that is lasting only comes through relationship.
The goal is that our relationship to SELF be a representation of Holy Spirit guiding us into choice. Without choosing to get to know someone or our internal self, we just go through the motions. Nobody wants to feel unheard by being quieted, especially the innermost parts of us we long to change. That is where I finally stopped seeking advice or utilizing a revelation from someone else and started looking inside myself for solutions to patterns that weren’t bringing me closer to Jesus. In my practice I gained deep respect for the myriad of parts represented with my clients, for it showed me just how intricately we are designed as individuals. In haste we can assume that breaking agreement is stopping a behavior or thought in its tracks before it becomes that runaway train, but our parts won’t receive the good stuff we want to place on top of them because connection was broken. There is always a reason why we do what we do even if it is counter to our Christian culture, which is why God gave us a brain and a heart to utilize together.
Our bodily systems physiologically, spiritually and scientifically connect with intricacies that should entice us to seek out their mystery because Jesus proclaimed we would find the answers there. But if we judge ourselves for choices or mistakes, there are parts inside who won't trust being exposed because they sense our own solutions have deemed them faulty. It is the reason abstinence only has a 12% success rate: if we don't drink for 30 days but indulge on the 31st day, all is a wash and it is back to the drawing board we go. But if we stop the judgment of our choice to drink, we would ask those parts involved, what they were trying to do to help us by persuading the action, and then deeper connection to our SELF would allow those parts to trust that we can pick up where we left off as a new 31st day. Relationship with our parts is key to unlocking freedom in our lives. Knowing who we really are inside will liberate us from judging and misunderstanding our mistakes as identity markers that need to be purged. When we connect to The Father as Jesus did, real miracles unveil the heart of parts that we dislike about ourselves that we think is the problem. The real problem is judging our thoughts and hoping our feelings will just go away when we shut them down and demand a different response. Taking a thought captive begins with recognizing a myriad of emotions is involved and that God understands more about them than we do. He doesn't want us to exile a part of us into silence by breaking agreement with it if it has been trying to help us for years. As I responded to my client, "You don’t have to disagree with things that upset you, you just have to be open to their intention to help you".
“That seems difficult and I am with you in spirit as you face these things. I wonder if the parts that are judging your accomplishments are trying to remind you of unseen potential? Perhaps their intention is to help you see that God has more in store for you, but unfortunately they are acting out in the only ways they know how? Jot some of these front-and-center feelings down because they may be trailheads to connect with unknown parts and in the moment ask all of them collectively to give you some space after you have thanked them for showing up. I am asking Father God to reveal any judgment you have of these parts so that they are quickened to trust you, come forth and unburden. I relate so much to you and will always share whatever revelation I gain because your brain is so remarkable and I want you to know that. You are not a quitter nor a fraud and I hope we can gain understanding from those parts who believe that. In the meantime ask Holy Spirit to give you a scripture that you can meditate on and converse about to combat the negative thoughts that inundate. I am proud of you and am in awe of all you have accomplished through Christ because it is His wisdom that reflects through you!"