There is more right going on inside of you than wrong. I know it’s been a habit that you react a certain way, or have become accustomed to behaving badly at moments, but those routines are often wrapped up in criticism. Reminding ourselves of what we’re doing wrong or should be doing better just gives fuel to critical manager parts that don’t understand how negative motivation doesn’t inspire us to change at all. Sin is its own measure of pain, and we generally don’t need to be reminded of when we’ve done it. We are already talking to ourselves so the parts that feel overwhelmed and misunderstood need to be asked why they show up for us in those ways, then we will be surprised when we hear an answer. Using our feelings as an indicator that a part is present, will invite that part to bring its story into the center of the room and talk to you about it instead of you, dismissing, denying, wishing it would go away, or chastising it. These parts are probably very young, and we have forgotten what it felt like to be five years old until we pause and look back from these parts points of view.  We can approach them with questions like, “help me understand or bear with me I’m confused”?  In knowing that they are stuck in historical memories, we can be gentle in our approach, knowing that their perspective needs to be understood by us now in adulthood because we couldn’t understand back then. 

Just like our relationship with Jesus, we are trying to get to know these parts personally and build a relationship, get to know them, what are they disappointed or hurt over, how do they believe life is from their perspective? My body listens to me when I speak to it, when I talk to myself it listens. We talk to ourselves constantly, but how? Do we sound like our parents, do we correct ourselves in haste do we call ourselves names? Do we remind ourselves of mistakes? Do we label ourselves as worthless, lazy, incompetent, insignificant, or anything else that associates us with a disappointment? Whatever message we are giving ourselves wether through thought, emotion or belief, it is just a part stuck in rhetoric that produces behavior it believes will help you.  

If the part that ridicules comes up often in my daily routine, I get to thank it for showing up.  If I acknowledge it with a thank you, I’ve changed the type of relationship I want to have with it. It hears me and probably will be shocked at first, but thanking it lets it know that it is heard, seen, or felt. Stating that I appreciate it trying to get my attention is far better than trying to get it to stop or go away. The attempt to get to know it can be enough to calm it down.  If I then ask it for space, I am engaging it instead of expecting it to cause me trouble.  It then has a choice to get to know me by sharing why it won’t relax or by taking a step back.  A new relationship has begun.  

Acknowledgement is the introduction to communication.  Asking for some space is honoring that communication is important but may need to happen at another time because you are at work or in the middle of something.  If the part can give space let it know how grateful you are for it trying to take care of you.  If you know you can connect to it another time tell it you desire to clean up any miscommunication between the two of you and get closer then.  

I don’t have your answers because the idea of IFS Therapy is for you to turn back to you and heal. Pr.17:10 says, “A reprimand goes deeper into one who has understanding and a teachable spirit than a hundred lashes into a fool”.

Reminding ourselves of our mistakes, shortcomings and sin is foolish because we are lashing out on parts of us that we haven’t gotten to understand; they just need gentle redirection to choose something better.