Sayonara codependent Servanthood

Mindsets of perfection evolve over time when any culture we operate in, wether it’s family, church, work or recreational, uses the subtly suggested expectations undergirding codependency.  Most of the top dogs implementing plans of order, do so with efforts to perfect an uncontrollable situation due to  humanity’s emotions that re-direct the course of action from their goal.  What looked good on paper failed to consider that people must agree with the implementation of a vision before boss man’s well-oiled machine can even operate.  Perfection often poisons the purpose of cleaning up any problems that emerge when needing cooperation from a group, because those seeking recognition will codependently strive for saving the project at a cost to themselves.  Perfection can be manipulated through an unspoken dysfunction that sets in motion a loop of competition, resentment and burnout for the ones needing the acknowledgment.  Narcissists subconsciously hand pick those people who will work themselves into the ground for the sake of their selfish gain because even the lowest level contributor selfishly relies on receiving accolades for proof of personal value.  It is how misguided authority continues rulership with threats of punishment implemented through fear of lost privilege.  Should the wrong person be in a place of leadership and demand that others support his cause or suffer consequences, codependency ensues to enslave everyone emotionally involved.

My professional career is one which deals with those who are complex trauma survivors because they suffered repeated mistreatment or one major blow to the psyche that devastated them before the age of nine.  People in charge generally don’t deal well with such categorized individuals but not for reasons which you might think.  One would assume that the big man with the fancy title worked hard for the money and didn’t catch a break which is why he demands you treat him right.  But most of the time the head hauncho is a trauma survivor himself but has ignored the opportunities for inner healing because his own performance outside of the emotional pain, becomes the perfect distraction.  Addiction can be morphed into workaholism and appear important, eating disorders can be cloaked at fancy business dinners and travel can look successful to anyone who is escaping personal relationships at home.  Yet the undergirding motive for those who hustle for compensation of respect, money, reputation, position or power, is a need to succeed somewhere, because so much else has failed.  Most of the time we have determined in childhood what we need to perfect about ourselves because consequence poisoned our passion if authority told us what we felt or knew wasn’t true.   Hopes and dreams face the opinions of others who don’t believe in inspiration anymore, succumbing many to appeasement of a heavy handed routine.  Hence, the fundamental need to heal that which was deemed broken by another, becomes our purpose.  And that sets in motion perfection to please others for an expected return, and that is the craftiness of codependency.

Managing life is a personal responsibility to steward the gifts and strengths we each have, but too often that task gets added onto by outside demands from our closest relationships.  I enjoy running a private therapy practice because I help assess the problems that arise in people’s lives after perfection snuffs the joy out of it and inspiration becomes a memory.  I have sat under authority in Corporate America, educational systems, clergy, small businesses and the food industry, all to conclude one thing: most of them lose sight of training up the employees in the ways they should work.  I liken it to poor parenting, those who blame the kids for being ungrateful brats yet deny their responsibility for training the child in the direction they should go.  Unmet needs produce reactionary impulses that don’t allow for equal expression, advice or solutions, and in some industries like restaurants, an extension of childhood codependency mimics abuse.    

The restaurant scene is like a dysfunctional family with the man having the keys to the Kingdom, wanting to be everyone’s friend yet feels powerless over his castle.  He believes he has to form alliances, and the best way to do so is through a shot from the bar with a special employee, positioning him to lord over that chosen child as both friend and foe.  Freedom to drink on the job will only occur at bossman’s decision of privilege and when hidden drinking grants him camaraderie.  Exposure however keeps the shot pourer in the top dog’s back pocket should he need to call on a personal favor, which most likely requires extra grunt work and tasks to keep their secret safe.  Eventually deception is exposed because drunkeness is hard to mask and it morphs into exclusive slavery between those willing to live at work for the next free sip.  This typical tyranny is like the abusive father who closes his office door to unload shame and prop his feet up on the ottoman before shooting his next round of accusation at being provoked. 

Boss lady flexes her impish muscles to orchestrate control over the servers on the floor, those who jump when she demands get the best sections but least respect.  Sell-outs in her eyes, she can bark orders at them with extra responsibility to stay in her good graces and combat the laziness from her male counterpart and his slackers who no longer comply with her mandates.  Follow the new regulations and you won’t get hurt, at least in the beginning, but eventually the parental business arrangement will implode because the same measure of judgment they wield, condemns them both and a divided front manifests.  After turning on each other they will revoke stations and schedules of the servers who misstep under conflicting jurisdiction and veteran waiters loose their clout after invested years.  Therefore the great divide between the bosses broadens and the help has to look over their shoulders in hypervigilance to feel out who is going to blow first.  It’s like the feud between mom and dad who has hand picked which children will do their bidding for them, making siblings carry out proposed vicious attacks on each other through back-biting and gossip.  Classic codependent mommy and daddy issues force the employees to take sides and divide the family by fighting each other like pit bulls in a ring.

Should anyone question the authority, public humiliation will ensue at line-up, a time where loyalty is proven through silence. “Perfection, perfection, perfection, there is no tolerance for mistakes on this shift”, echoes like true emasculation through the dining room.  Statements like “team work” and “termination”, become slaps of insult every time they are spoken in the same sentence.  The chasm widens as those who already over-compensate, get placed with more demands, and those who slack, get away with no responsibility at all.  Mom and dad both look away in circumstances where they are questioned about their hypocrisy and re-direct the ones complaining, to figure it out among themselves.  This lack of integrity places demand on those who want to justify the system and subsequently step in for justice because they feel they need to.  Coming in early and helping out with additional duties feels good at first because the pat on the head is an honest reward, but should such tenacity exceed job description, resentment slides in. The schedule is grid locked because time changes overlap with second jobs of the current staff, so new hires swoop in as champions with open availability.  This only hooks them into being groomed by an iron fist which will be the only standard that they know. The latest edition who picks up all unwanted shifts may be the weakest link to fellow servers but he is a warm body to appease the management because he is always available for ridicule. The disregard for those dedicated and overworked breeds jealousy over the shiny new smiles of those eager to replace and please.

There is no teaching through example, only a do as I say hierarchy where respect is obsolete because of its demand.  That is where inspiration is replaced with perfection all in hopes of receiving appreciation.  Name calling and cussing at adults who are tending to their tables, hardly seems like a positive motivational tactic, but somehow degradation to children upholds the superiority of a double dictatorship. As the man barks about laziness, the displaced parent who use to back bite him, has to side with his regime as all good wives do, because she’d rather appease than worry about the grievances of her subordinates that she betrayed. Many will put up with the continuation from their own childhood abuse because money is at stake, a reward for endurance many in this industry tell themselves.  The work hard, play hard mentality only pays off if one can get in and get out with a lucrative profit while flying under the radar of the powers that be.  But when those power hungry officials revoke a section because one plate was left on a table after days of flawless performance, livelihood is no longer worth it.  Fear of punishment decreases the value of a dollar real quick , and those who mentally challenge the higher ups will cut their losses for personal peace.  When that weight from management gets heavier and the money decreases because server’s have to tip out more and stay longer, that’s when the establishment looses.

Loss occurs whenever a codependent relationship is required for success.  Determining success under a dysfunctional servanthood has much to do with threats of increased workload to codependently attach rank among peers.  The reminders of not measuring up deflate personal freedom and satisfaction of doing a job well.  The shift from accountability sways into survival of the fittest and turn-over will become the new juggle just to keep the doors open.  It may not happen overnight because many people who grew up in abusive homes are attracted to the food industry where personality roles are familiar.   The unspoken negative charge fuels precision when pressure is high, a direct correlation between stress and crisis, and that is normal for many servers.  It is the reason why productivity can wane, but still function.  Without a negative stimulus or a fire to put out, boredom can persuade many in this environment to leave because the anxiety within tells them that important things always need attention, especially if sitting around waiting for a table wastes time that could be invested outside of work.  Tapping into a cycle they have lived before, front of house workers can deny their needs for food and strength if they feel the cost is worth it, because that is their psychological norm.  That enmeshment of having to meet demands that are rigorous for the sake of happiness is the greatest façade.  To break codependency in this field, I believe many, like myself, will eventually see that no amount of money is worth the unbalanced amount of suffering that requires consistent loyalty without consistent return.

In the land of longevity, codependency is the only principle that can remain forever because it uses perfection like a whip, constantly cracking at the feet of people who will jump however high to please another.  That does however, lend to self-discovery and the acknowledgment that self-respect and personal advocacy might be worth more.  The traumas of past experience were intended to have humans walk out in pain over and over and over and over again for the sake of self-destruction.  Only once we recognize that explaining ourselves, changing ourselves or perfecting ourselves, is fleeting, do we find the purpose within that no longer seeks others to understand us.   We can grow in any environment and leave it before the circumstances exhaust us and we will be co-dependent no more.